Practice
OK, so to start putting this all into practice, perhaps we can look at some real life examples from social media where people are posting about what makes them unhappy, their situation, in various forums around the identities of loneliness, Forever Alone, Adult Virgins and the tamer forms of Involuntary Celibate. We’ll have a look, extract arguments, distortions and formulate replacement thoughts.
[The following are posted without identifying information of the poster, and also slightly paraphrased for copyright reasons, the commentary is mine. For the record, I do engage with these posters and do what I can to help as a public service].
So I got this first one from a board for Adult Virgins. I’m sure this is a beautiful human being, but it is also an example of how not to post to such forums, nor journal. Firstly, you need to be very careful which forums you post on. Many of them that focus around an identity are actually negative. Ones that focus on gender, like incel stuff (or femcel variants) can be straight up toxic. But others are focused on maintaining an identity.
So the following post came from a forum for Adult Virgins, nothing wrong with being a virgin, but it’s for people who are involuntarily (and unhappily) this way. But the whole forum is full of people posting vague descriptions of situations, without depth of analysis, and each one gets a number of replies basically affirming, “Oh yes, I’m the same, and isn’t it awful!” and people simply validate each other. It’s an echo chamber. Notice the following post has no detail whatsoever, no depth or analysis, and this is always a danger even with journaling. You write up the superficial explanation of a situation and it’s just a validation to feel bad and without drilling down, extracting premises, conclusions, fallacies and distortions, then illogical and unreasonable arguments cannot be redirected as the weakness is hiding behind the vagueness.
NEVER HIDE WEAKNESS WITH VAGUENESS.
I just turned 28, and it feels like this is how my life is meant to be forever. Today is my birthday, and it signifies another year of struggling to connect with someone romantically. As I approach 30, I can’t shake the feeling that I might remain alone for the rest of my life. I don’t understand how some people seem to navigate dating so effortlessly, while it feels like I could spend a lifetime and still not find success. It’s a hopeless and frightening thought.
Other times people do include enough detail for a full analysis, which I will do with the following, a post I found in a Forever Alone forum.
Anyone Else Struggle With Self Identity?
It recently dawned on me that I’m not even sure who I am or if I ever truly knew myself. I’m in my 30s, an age where I should be settled down with a wife, kids, and a thriving career. Instead, I feel like I’m falling behind in life. I’m not a husband, a father, or someone I’m proud of. My job is the only label that seems to fit me, and that’s not a good thing.
Throughout my life, I’ve tried to be someone else – someone admirable, desirable, and successful. I’ve done things and made choices to be someone I’m not, and in the process, I’ve missed out on so much of life. In many ways, I still feel like a teenager – curious about experiences like going to parties, being intimate with someone, relaxing with a partner, getting together with friends, and feeling safe being vulnerable.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I know I’m a loser, but what else defines me? I’ve lost interest in my hobbies and passions, and now I just spend my days going through the motions, waiting for an acceptable time to go to bed. I dread being awake because I can’t stand the emptiness.
Even if I were to get a date now, what would I say? What fun stories or accomplishments do I have to share? If someone asked about my interests, what would I say? Nothing? You need a purpose in life, one that extends beyond your job. Something that involves someone else. As you reach a certain age, if you don’t have that, you’ll start questioning your existence.
I don’t need a grand or divine purpose. Even just being someone’s safe haven would be enough. Someone I could have grown with, explored life with, and found myself with. But instead of finding what I wanted, I spent my years slowly losing everything I had.
OK, let’s take this line by line:
> It recently dawned on me that I’m not even sure who I am or if I ever truly knew myself. I’m in my 30s, an age where I should be settled down with a wife, kids, and a thriving career. Instead, I feel like I’m falling behind in life. I’m not a husband, a father, or someone I’m proud of. My job is the only label that seems to fit me, and that’s not a good thing.
OK, so I notice here:
> I SHOULD be settled down with a wife, kids and thriving career [SHOULD STATEMENT]
Says who? Maybe YOU say that, which is fair enough then. There is no external ‘should’ outside of yourself, and there are people at that age who don’t have the situation you mention and are still thriving. But I’ll assume then that you had an idea of what you wanted, a dream or mental picture of what you wanted, (wife, kids and career) and that hasn’t happened. You don’t see the future you were hoping for.
>Throughout my life, I’ve tried to be someone else – someone admirable, desirable, and successful. I’ve done things and made choices to be someone I’m not, and in the process, I’ve missed out on so much of life. In many ways, I still feel like a teenager – curious about experiences like going to parties, being intimate with someone, relaxing with a partner, getting together with friends, and feeling safe being vulnerable.
> Throughout my life, I’ve tried to be someone else – someone admirable, desirable, and successful.
So let me check I got that bit [speaking to the writer now]. If you had the wife, kids and thriving career, you would be admirable, desirable and successful — but in that sentence you describe it as “trying to be someone else”. So that part is neutral in tone, it could be a better version of yourself. But then you continue:
> I’ve done things and made choices to be someone I’m not, and in the process, I’ve missed out on so much of life.
That clarifies it a bit. You ‘should’ have a wife, kids and thriving career (but do not). But you made choices “to be someone I am not”, again, this is a neutral statement. Does it mean the person you are not (but wish you were?) — or the person you are not (but feel you SHOULD be)?
> and in the process, I’ve missed out on so much of life. In many ways, I still feel like a teenager — curious about experiences like going to parties, being intimate with someone, relaxing with a partner, getting together with friends, and feeling safe being vulnerable.
So you tried to be someone you are not (but from the following, it seems to mean, with wife, kids and thriving career) but missed out on what you wanted
1. going to parties
2. being intimate with someone
3. relaxing with a partner (similar to 2)
4. getting together with friends
5. feeling safe and feeling vulnerable (similar to 2)
and in relationship to this you:
> still feel like a teenager.
The question here is, (bar possibly the first) which one in this list is linked to being a teenager?
> I don’t know who I am anymore. I know I’m a loser, but what else defines me? I’ve lost interest in my hobbies and passions, and now I just spend my days going through the motions, waiting for an acceptable time to go to bed. I dread being awake because I can’t stand the emptiness.
This is the second mention of “not knowing who you are”. But what does that mean? You want to apply the label [LABELING] of ‘loser’, presumably that refers to not having what you ‘should’ have (wife, kids and thriving career?).
Why did you lose interest in your hobbies and passions? There’s an implication it’s because you don’t have a partner/intimacy, although it isn’t stated, that’s my feeling from the rest of the text. Hobbies and passion that used to occupy your mind are now gone, and there’s emptiness (because you don’t have a partner/intimacy?).
> Even if I were to get a date now, what would I say? What fun stories or accomplishments do I have to share? If someone asked about my interests, what would I say? Nothing? You need a purpose in life, one that extends beyond your job. Something that involves someone else. As you reach a certain age, if you don’t have that, you’ll start questioning your existence.
This part seems to clarify it’s about not having the intimacy, because you mention the getting a date. The argument seems to be:
1. Hobbies and passions need to coexist with an intimate relationship
2. I don’t have an intimate relationship.
3. I can’t enjoy hobbies or have passions.
But this isn’t true. I (personally) don’t have an intimate relationship (although I am intimate sometimes), but I have hobbies and passions (like writing this post, for example). So this reasoning is simply false.
It seems to me that, you enjoyed hobbies and had passions but you also wanted intimacy. You haven’t had it for a long time (I presume). This made you depressed and you stopped enjoying your hobbies and passions. If this is your experience, then it’s valid, absolutely. But do you understand my point? Linking hobbies and passions to a relationship with an external person is illogical. Fact. You seem depressed to me. Fact.
> Even if I were to get a date now, what would I say? What fun stories or accomplishments do I have to share? If someone asked about my interests, what would I say? Nothing?
… Make it a movie date, then you don’t have to talk! [FORTUNE TELLING ERROR] Do you have to have fun stories, accomplishments and interests to date? You had hobbies and passions, and stopped them when you started getting depressed. Talk about what you used to like, what you used to be passionate about, and how you stopped when you started feeling sad. Earlier, you specifically state one of the things you really want deep down is:
> feeling safe and feeling vulnerable
presumably with another person. If you went on a date, talked about what you used to do and what you used to be passionate about, but then had this realisation that it’s all a bit empty if there’s no one to share it all with…. I don’t think it would freak most women out (and it’s the truth). It would make you vulnerable, likeable, open (possibly) — then flip the conversation and talk about them. You don’t have a crystal ball. You don’t know how any date would go. Everyone is different. Being vulnerable means being able to risk getting hurt, and bouncing back when you do.
> You need a purpose in life, one that extends beyond your job.
Yes.
>Something that involves someone else.
Yes. [But not to assume that has to be a romantic partner, otherwise no older single person in the world would be happy, which isn’t true]
> As you reach a certain age, if you don’t have that, you’ll start questioning your existence.
Yes, it’s about connections. I did get to a certain age. I’m not in a steady intimate relationship. I have connection, intimacy and meaning in other ways and I don’t really question my existence. The implication seems to be, you question your existence (ask if life is worth living) if you get to a certain age without a romantic relationship. Is that it? Because the answer for me YES, but ymmv?
> I don’t need a grand or divine purpose.
Why? Maybe that would be better as it wouldn’t depend on someone else.
> Even just being someone’s safe haven would be enough.
But that person has to be a romantic partner? Can ‘someone’ be a homeless person you take in and offer them a housed life in a non-romantic or non-sexual context? I’m going to guess the answer is no. So in this sentence you are specifically saying a romantic relationship is in itself your grand or divine purpose.
> Someone I could have grown with, explored life with, and found myself with. But instead of finding what I wanted, I spent my years slowly losing everything I had.
So you didn’t grow, explore life or find yourself (which you earlier define as a label/identity) because you didn’t have someone (a romantic partner), and you couldn’t have done these things alone? Maybe you start the journey and someone turns up? I don’t know.
> But instead of finding what I wanted, I spent my years slowly losing everything I had.
But earlier you said:
> I’ve missed out on so much of life. In many ways, I still feel like a teenager – curious about experiences like going to parties, being intimate with someone, relaxing with a partner, getting together with friends, and feeling safe being vulnerable.
So did you “miss out on so much in life”, or did you “slowly lose everything you had”?
Are you saying that you had hobbies and passions that you were enjoying alone, but then got to a certain age. Because of that these same hobbies and passions have no meaning because you’re not sharing them with an intimate partner with whom you can be vulnerable and who see’s you as a “safe haven”. I mean, perhaps you can let us know what that age is, because there might be people who are reading this, enjoying their hobbies and passions alone and had no idea 😛
Well, looking over the whole thing; it seems to me that you were a lot happier in the past than you are now. You had hobbies and passions. You don’t state if you had a romantic partner in the past then, but either way it’s irrelevant. Hobbies and passions and romantic partners are two separate things. I feel that, in the past, you had this passion and felt there was the possibility of a romantic partner, and/or ‘success’ (a thriving career) and held these daydreams (pictures in your mind) as a possibility — but now you’re getting older and feel that it’s not possible, you might never have a partner nor thriving career and were deriving meaning and purpose from their very possibility.
All the things you say you want are possible now, technically at any age. Meaning and purpose can come from different things, as can intimacy. Perhaps a start is to think of your definition of these three things, and widen it?
Also, we can look at each statement like a premise (which is stated, something claimed to be true, and then the implied minor premise and conclusion, together with the distortion.
Key Arguments with Logical Fallacies
Major Premise: I’m not sure who I am or if I ever knew myself.
Minor Premise: If I don’t know who I am, then I’m a failure.
Conclusion: Therefore, I’m a failure. (All-or-Nothing Thinking)
Corrected Thought: I’m still learning and growing, and that’s okay. I have time to discover who I am.
Major Premise: I’m falling behind in life compared to my peers.
Minor Premise: If I’m not at the same life stage as my peers, then I’m a failure.
Conclusion: Therefore, I’m a failure. (Overgeneralization)
Corrected Thought: Everyone has their own path in life. I’m on my own journey, and it’s valid.
Major Premise: I’ve tried to be someone else throughout my life.
Minor Premise: If I’m not true to myself, then I’m a failure.
Conclusion: Therefore, I’m a failure. (Disqualifying the Positive)
Corrected Thought: I’ve learned from my experiences, and I can now focus on being authentic.
Major Premise: I’ve missed out on many life experiences due to my choices.
Minor Premise: If I’ve missed out on experiences, then I’m a failure.
Conclusion: Therefore, I’m a failure. (Mental Filter)
Corrected Thought: I can still create meaningful experiences and memories moving forward.
Major Premise: I’ve lost interest in my hobbies and passions.
Minor Premise: If I don’t have hobbies or passions, then I’m a failure.
Conclusion: Therefore, I’m a failure. (Jumping to Conclusions)
Corrected Thought: I can explore new interests and rediscover old passions that align with my values.