Up until a few years ago, and well into my forties, I was pretty much a ‘Forever Alone'(FA), for various reasons, childhood abuse, poor health, no social skills or confidence, body dysmorphia, the usual suspects. I wasn’t just without relationships or sex, but any friendships or meaningful connections, social experiences, true happiness…
… and then ‘something’ happened,
and suddenly I was free, actually promiscuous and completely got over myself and healed. Not only that, it could even be suggested that I over-compensated and finding partners was suddenly so easy that I was even sex-addicted at one point. I’m not sure I’d go as far as that (although the body count is triple digits). The thing is that, rather than just going through a sexual awakening and actually having these experiences, something I had always (deep down) hoped and yearned for had happened, what I actually achieved was a complete healing, including forging new communities, connections and friendships.
I realized the depth of the change in me just a couple of weeks ago. My phone is running out of memory and I wanted to back up some files (to be truthful, pictures and videos of my partners take up most space nowadays) so I went thought my old SD cards. I went through and was deleting old movies and books I’ve read and I found my old porn file. I don’t use porn now (no need) and it was never an obsessive thing with me, just something I enjoyed occasionally, probably around the same level as most men.
Well looking at it now, for the first time since this change in me and all the sexual experience I now have, I was shocked in a way, by the things that I used to find arousing (and still do to some degree) but the thing is, the things I used to dream about doing and were incredibly erotic to me, I’ve generally done now. I remember when I collected those favourite pictures and videos, it was over a long period of time when it wasn’t as easy to find these kind of pictres and download them – they used to feel hard-won and precious, and now I just deleted it because it simply doesn’t mean anything to me.
There’s a term in Forever Alone circles ‘pussy off the pedestal’. It’s often used in conversations about losing virginity or visiting a prostitute. The observation is, from people who long-term Adult Virgins, and then either find a partner or have sex – that when you spend a prolonged period in isolation without sex, then there becomes an obsessive quality about it. It becomes this sought after magical experience and the expectation of the experience gets to be so much that real life can never satisfy what the seeker is looking for. I still have a deep interest and connection to Forever Alone communities and I see this all the time, especially where long-term Adult Virgins bite the bullet and see a sex surrogate or sex-worker and some (not all) bemoan the experience as there was ‘no connection’. It frustrates me because I know they are looking for something that doesn’t exist, but what they could actually find, if they knew, is actually so much more.
It isn’t just the sexual aspect to it, it’s emotional also, and sometimes outside observers can really not understand this. I lost my virginity late in life but wasn’t an adult virgin. I’d say that for much of my life I was an involuntary celibate, which is often defined by no sexual partners for periods of two years or more, and not by choice. I’ll go into the reasons for this in a moment. But I did have a few ‘romantic encounters’ before my full-on middle-aged blossoming. One of them was a woman, who was (I convinced myself) the exact thing I had always been looking for, my soul-mate.
Like most long-term Forever Alone, as a lonely person, I had built up, from my rich inner-life, a number of ever-playing fantasies about imagined relationships with an imagined soul-mate. Then, as a young man, I met a woman and did actually have a brief affair while traveling (two weeks (she already had someone else)) I ended up fully ‘in love’, (or obsessed, depending on your take). The problem was, she was from another country, was with someone else, and also an incredibly nice human being. This was back in the days before the Internet, so we stayed friends via letters for over eight years. She never missed special events or holidays without writing, then one day she suddenly disappeared. I never found out what happened, but for this whole period, perhaps thirty years, there was never a day that I didn’t think of her and wrote all the time. Nowadays I know that is called ‘limerence’, i.e. a tendency to fall for unavailable lovers and become obsessed with them, and this is a common tendency in the long-term Forever-Alone community.
But during this awakening, I changed. It wasn’t that this period of sexual promiscuity changed my perspective about sex, it did about her, and relationships in general. One thing was that I had to stop writing to her because of covid, there was no postal service for years, but the other things was that I wasn’t starved of emotional connections, I wasn’t starved of intimacy, and so this obsession with one person, this one magical person, was gone, the magic left, she was off the pedestal. Sex was off the pedestal.
And now, it’s not even just being off the pedestal. I look back at the whole thing and remember it differently, I had been censoring my thoughts and been remembering it the way I wanted to remember it. The fact is that she had been stung in love, completely fell for someone and then rejected, and it had scarred her. She was travelling and met someone new, possibly long-term and I think had this fling with me to test him; she wanted to feel powerful in that, she cannot be cheated on as she cheated first.
If you had have suggested this to me five years ago I would have punched you, literally, but now, off the pedestal, I can see it for myself. We had this fling and she wasn’t straight about being with someone else, she referred to him as a ‘friend’ and so I thought we were together, and then when I had to travel on she told me she was going back to him and wanted to stay friends and my heart was broken. We cried and held each other at the airport and I never saw her again and the whole thing dominated my thoughts for three decades.
The thing is that, now I am completely EMPOWERED. Having been promiscuous, like most men, and got the whole thing out my system and got love and sex off the pedestal, I see the obsession and affair for what it was. I would never put up with someone treating me like that nowadays. The minute I realized I was being dumped, I would be out and that would be the end of it. I wouldn’t be the ‘side-bet’ or plan b for most of my life. THERE IS MORE TO THE STORY HERE
I don’t want to say I regret any of this. For these years I couldn’t heal. Perhaps I did actually get what I needed, if not what I wanted. I was Forever Alone but felt that I had a soul-mate and was kind of in a false relationship, and that was better than the alternative. As I said, I do belong to various FA communities nowadays as I want to be on the scene and help people, plus I am passionate about the issues, and so I know how much harder some people have it, as Adult Virgins/Involuntary Celibates pretty much all their lives. I had an illusion, a dream, which sometime (usually if drunk) kind of made me happy in a warped way.
The Path That Caused My Forever Alone/Involuntary Celibate Life
I don’t want to spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative and what is wrong, as I notice that almost all information and support for people in my old situation is ‘black pill’, i.e. one of fatalistic acceptance, and I have essentially cured my situation (by having sex) and want to share that method with other people, and also look at some of the wider issues around this subject.
So what caused my life of Forever Aloneness and Involuntary Celibacy? I think that people are very complex and it can’t be boiled down to a single experience. I’ll mention that in my younger, formative years, my mother was a very violent woman, towards me and all. My father left home and she essentially wouldn’t let him near ever again. I know the way things go in domestic violence cases where men are the recipients and you’re supposed to ‘man up’. This is usually from someone who has not seen how ferocious these unbalanced individuals can be. I was very socially impoverished and found it hard to be confident of make friends of any type for most of my life.
Another thing is that I’m an immigrant to the country I was born in (New Zealand) and was bullied and pushed out of society for this reason.
If you’ve got this far and start reading the next paragraph, please read to the end of it.
I’m an intersexual. Yes, third gender. No, not a transexual. I don’t want to insult your intelligence, but I’ll briefly state, a transexual is a genetic male or female with DNA like XX or XY, and they feel they are the opposite gender. So a genetic man (XY) might feel like a woman on the inside.
An intersexual doesn’t have XX or XY chromosomes but an extra or a missing one and it can go different ways. Some of us look totally male or female, don’t even know about it until some routine fertility test well into adulthood. On the other end of the spectrum, some people are hermaphrodites (rare) or truely inbetween genders physically.
Personally, I look male and have a male body. I’m quite ‘manly’ in appearance, with quite a bit of body hair. I am attracted to ordinary women. I didn’t know about my status until in my thirties while randomly googling and read about a specific condition and realized it is me. To the trained eye there is some effect of transgenderment in my body. I’ve been with a lot of women nowadays and most don’t particularly notice. Some see it straight away and say, ‘you’re like a woman’. I won’t go into detail here at this point. I will as I complete more of the writing.
The point is that, firstly, I’m going to choose to not publically come out at this point to the people around me, I want to see the way my writing and ideas are received before attaching my real identity to it. The other point is that, it hasn’t held me back in my sexual healing. I know many people who have these Forever Alone issues often have body shame issues, me too, but I’ve healed. Perhaps some of the excess/sex addiction I went through is compensation in some way. I wanted to feel I can be the same as binary (non-third gender) people sexually, and of course I can. The main takeaway I want you to get from this (long) paragraph (thanks for reading) is that in some ways there’s something really ‘wrong’ with me – and I’m killing it! I’m over me. I’m sexually healed, confident and I really believe anyone can be. I truely think that even a full physical hermaphrodite or sexually mutilated person or whatever, can be fully sexually free and healed and over it and I want to write this process up and show people how. YOU CAN BE SEX POSITIVE.
The Cure for Forever Alone/Involuntary Celibacy
So what happened to me, to get well? Well, for much of my life, I just followed the usual advice, worked on myself, self-improvement, improved my confidence skills and the like, and it worked to a degree, not to be healed and free now that I have finally nailed it. Even though I did technically ‘go’ with women after following the usual advice, none of my sexual experiences were actually satisfying or pleasant for me, mainly due to phobias, fears and never being relaxed, plus rarely being sober with these rare encounters (due to fear).
And then I met someone. Not a partner, a guy. No, not like that! Just friends. Basically someone I met who introduced me to a new perspective, a way or reigning my mind and changing my reality. Kind of like a mental practice, or way of life or spiritual discipline. I can’t really describe the change in a paragraph and I want to present it over a series of articles and instructions. Reading so far, you’re probably thinking the Law of Attraction, and it isn’t this, although it’s not dissimilar, I think it’s a little more than this but it’s worked. Not easy…. but not ‘hard’. You might be worried now that I’m some religious nut or I’ll be whipping a bible out or something so I’ll state plainly that I’m an atheist. I’ll say now that it’s a system/way of life of philosophy, mental discipline and esotericism that healed me, led to my period of sexual promiscuity, which in itself was healing, and then became much more than that.
It has been a sexual awakening but also a spiritual awakening. Nowadays, I am sexually active, take new partners frequently but am not obsessed about it. Perhaps weekly is an average. I am making a choice to not have close relationships because that works for me. I know quite a few women now and if I wanted something long-term relationship I could be living with someone within a week, but with the way I live now, at peace with my mind, I don’t feel this sense of longing or emptiness and truely choose to be by myself.
I want to be completely frank and honest with you now. The practice has healed me and given me this new spiritual life. I have many partners. Nowadays I have no qualms paying for sexual encounters. Not all of them are paid, but the ease and no strings attached nature of this decision works for me. I moved to a country where this is accepted, and cheap. The truth is that it isn’t expensive. Contrary to most mens’ fantasies, such women don’t really want great sex that lasts all night. They want someone easy and simple and my (intersex) sexuality and needs works for them and I know I get a special ‘arrangement’ with the community.
A thing to say about this scene is that, people who judge it (as negative) know nothing about it. Yes, in some countries it’s based around tourists turning up, paying huge amounts for one off experiences, and they tend to pay huge amounts as they want to try out weird porn stuff, or are pussy-whipped idiots that need a few days of Full Girlfriend Experience hookers telling them that they aren’t pathetic, they’re wonderful. It’s about shows and girlie bars.
But for people that live within a culture, the freelance scene is actually a community, and I have friendships, lifelong friendships with the women I live around. Just like any friendships and communities, people are there for each other, through illness or emergency or emotional trauma, there are close bonds. I have it and I see it often.
It was being overseas in a culture where this is accepted meant that I could actually do what I needed to do and get over me. It’s fine staying in the West with people saying, work out, work on yourself, get fit, build confidence, and just pandering to a scene where everything is stacked against you, where you feel so broken and low and actually, it’s the context you are in that is broken and you can be out, changing your life to be in another place where this isn’t the case and your lifelong problems can often be solved in an evening.
Yes, this isn’t going to be for everyone. I do advocate promiscuity to people who are Forever Alone (for at least a period), and I do advocate using surrogates or sex workers where this is going to be helpful, and I want to create a safe space where people can stop and consider the for and against and ethics, around other peoples potential suffering (if any) and also your own. I want to look at alternative lifestyles, alternative relationship structures, just other solutions to this issue that seems (as far as I can see) to be incredibly common and stigmatized and never talked about.
Well that’s enough for now. Please look around the rest of the site for the various resources I am hoping to now create for this forgotten community.