This is a difficult subject to write about, technically the subject I want to cover is ‘involuntary celibacy’ addressing people who would be horrified to be referred to as such, from someone who would also be horrified to be referred to in that way, even though this person was essentially … ‘involuntary celibate’ until well into middle age, when I cracked the code, got over myself, went the other way and became sex addicted – and eventually emerged on the other side relatively healed.
I’m now able to ‘create’ pretty much as many sexual encounters as I like, and their importance to me has diminished. I am essentially free, and I found that my sexual awakening was also part of a spiritual awakening, and it’s weird and abstract in a way but I’m not going into answers and advice here. At this point, I want to talk about identity.
No one calls themselves an involuntary celibate
One point of this article is to say that there isn’t really one single satisfactory term or identity that describes the whole area of adult virginity, including the grey majority. So to spell it out, my focus is on human beings who want to either/or have sex and may or may not be able to have sex for whatever reason, and this has either always been the case or it’s been the case for an extended period of time (two years or longer is a common benchmark) and although there may be some depression or even bitterness in some ways, the sufferer in no way supports hate or other blaming. This was actually the original definition of ‘incel’ (which I’ll come onto later) although the modern use is something very different and very negative, and this demonized identity makes it difficult to talk about and begin to solve the deeper issues around it.
Why are identities around not having a partner usually negative?
The negative perspectives of people in this position means that nearly all scientific research and studies are on these extreme (hateful) individuals. In a way I understand it, as there has been violence and mass shootings and people want to protect themselves with an insight into such people. The problem is that they’re an extreme minority, but the fact that their extremism is applied to all (good) people in the same situation stigmatizes good people who are suffering.
Looking through the scientific literature for studies or insight into the non-extreme or non-hateful people in this (very common, I believe) situation, I think it’s overlooked because of the way language itself is used. What is a term without connotations that I could even search for?
Is ‘adult virgin’ any better?
One purely descriptive term is ‘Adult Virgin’, which doesn’t have hateful connotations. One study (Lerous, 2022) uses the term EAV (emerging adult virgins (meaning the study was about coming out to people about this status)) and refers to the ‘problem’ as an ‘off-time transition’, i.e. losing virginity at a different age to most people. This isn’t exactly the same as what I’m talking about but I think some of the issues can be the same. The study was based on qualitative interviews and found three essential problems reported:
- societal reactions
- personal emotions about one’s status
- problems in relationships
Interestingly, the most reported (negative) aspect of the experience was ‘lack of intimacy’, and I think this might be a (?the) unifying aspect between the different forms of this fragmented identity. The study notes that although there can be positives to this status (no STD, better academic outcomes etc.) most people reported depression and low self-esteem and so this would be another similarity. The study notes that there is very scant research on this subject and so if any help does exist, it is likely to be informal/not evidence based (Fuller et al., 2019). Ging (2017) also notes that the lack of formal help (?and stigmatization) and suggests this is one factor pushing males towards hateful philosophies in the ‘manosphere’. Maxwell et al (2020) suggests that the lack of recognition in scientific literature causes suffers to blame themselves or others for the condition. Kohn (2020) noted that the same lack of formal assistance exists for women, who go on to find information from femcel groups (furthering self and other blame).
The difficulties the respondents described were:
- Virginity was seen as a ‘red flag’
- Having to explain it to everyone.
- It’s hard to get professional help.
- Not belonging.
- Feeling incompetent.
- Having no intimacy.
The reported emotions were:
- (1) sadness;
- (2) jealousy;
- (3) shame;
- (4) regret;
- (5) frustration;
- (6) resignation
- (7) fears
- disappointment
- negative sex outcomes
- being discredited (not taken seriously)
- running out of time.
So there’s a lot of overlap here. One interesting thing is that, in terms of stigmatization and internal feelings, the researchers don’t seem to have uncovered any significant gender difference. Another thing that caught my eye is that, many of the participants had early experiences of isolation, and that was also my personal experience. Without going into detail right here (as I’ll write about it elsewhere) I essentially grew up from mid to late teens largely alone in a house, agoraphobic and without schooling – which I eventually overcame, but these bouts of isolation have been ongoing throughout my life.
But I want this article to be about identity, to have an accurate way to describe this, to address people I want to address directly and positively – to find solutions. In a way, I wasn’t really an ‘adult virgin’, I had partners, but usually intoxicated (due to shyness) or without long-term intimacy (due to trust issues). Then there were long periods (six years) between them. I was bitter about the abuse in my past but never hateful, so what is my label?
I’m going to spend the rest of the article looking briefly at the available identities, explanations and philosophies, which tend to be extreme and the only ones available, as noted by the authors of the previous study. I will try and suggest some better ways to refer to this.
Why are we forced to distance ourselves from negative identities?
We might as well start with the most prominent identity, which is incel culture. As I mentioned earlier, originally this word was coined (by a woman, referring to herself) to set up a message board for people of either gender who were unable, for whatever reason, so establish any intimate connections (Alana, 1997) and the original intended audience was the socially awkward, marginalized or mentally ill (Ashifa, 2019). Eventually, the author came out as bi-sexual and seems to have resolved her issues (NOTE: the ‘identity’ can be a temporary state, more later) and she passed the website on to a stranger, where it then (somehow) became hateful and largely male.
I won’t go into exactly how this was taken over but am considering incel culture now, what it has become, a belief that life is rigged by evolutionary genetics and resistence is futile; that there was once a golden age where relationships were easier. Incel groups have incited violence and hate, being banned by reddit (Hauser, 2017) and somehow became linked to the alt right movement, have been identified as largely white and sometimes racist. I have no idea really how that happened and don’t want to go into it here. My observation is that they have a very strong, self-supporting, in-group mentality based around victimhood and tend to discourage each other from romantic success (the theme of futility pervades).
Some researchers question the frequency of hate, suggesting it is rare and there are more instances of suicidality and depression (Costello and Buss, 2023). I don’t want to mention the elephant in the room, but going through the qualitative literature, to my eyes, the thing that differentiates this bitter, unhappy, lonely and hateful group is the other bitter, unhappy, lonely identities don’t hate. I’m not sure if this includes the female version (femcels) as their discussion group has also been banned and there doesn’t seem to be any study at all around their culture.
So there are no positive identities around this for either gender (as far as I can tell), women have been made invisible, third gender never existed and the three male identities are negative. I’ve covered one, I may as well do the other two.
MGTWO (Men Going Their Own Way)
This movement also seemed to have started off a lot more innocently than it ended up, as originally it was based around libertarianism and self-reliance, and seems to have shifted to male separatism over time (Zuckerberg, 2018), progressing towards violent philosophy and eventually being banned from Reddit (Thalen, 2021). Like incels, there’s a strong in-group culture with derogatory names for people outside the philosophy (Wright et al, 2020). Like incels, and for reasons I don’t understand, the group is also generally comprised of white, heterosexual, middle class Western men. (Lin, 2017). The idea of separatism is what separates this from inceldom, in theory, although one study found that the actual discourse was more anti-feminism, whereas similar feminist separatist groups (in terms of language) have a more internal focus (Gorska, 2023).
I think again, that it is so unfortunate that these ideas originally start off innocent and idealistic and end up being hijacked and linked to hate or violence, and so somehow making the original idea sinister. Is it separatism or self-reliance, and are either negative or is it dependent on the context. One thing I read while researching this is that, women are being constantly told from childhood that they don’t need men, but as soon as men say the same thing ‘all hell breaks loose’ (there is no third gender).
Separatism seems to be OK if it’s linked to something, like being in a monastery, otherwise it’s assumed to be hateful. Yet it can be a very valid, non-hateful choice also, whether it’s to do sex or close relationships. When I finally became sexually awake and free, I found I don’t like company. Right now I live alone, as always. I have quite a few acquaintances, and I know if I wanted to live with someone, I could ask any number of women I know and it would pretty much be a done deal. I guess that makes me a separatist?
I don’t personally know anyone who identifies as MGTOW, so perhaps the difference is theirs comes from a sense of futility and not real choice, I don’t know. I don’t personally believe relationships make people happy, I don’t teach this, but the best way to learn is try them. The same as sex itself. It isn’t important, it doesn’t matter, but the only healthy way to come to that conclusion (and be free) is to be promiscuous. That was my path, the way I healed, and although if, for some people, voluntary celibacy (note no ‘in) or a relationship over being perennially single (avoiding the word separatist) works, than it’s good, but I think it’s rare for people to be happy this way (based on my observation and experience).
Pick up artists – positive or negative?
The last (maligned) group is the pick up artist (pua) scene. I didn’t even know what this is until I started researching. The essence of this culture is for men (exclusively I presume) to use various methods (such as NLP) to find women for casual sex. The techniques to do this (seduction) are seen as a learnable science and men support each other (and brag about conquests) online. It isn’t particularly linked to hate or violence in any way, although it has been called sexist (Marcot, 2014). I’m guessing the charge is that it objectifies women. There is a subreddit for women called Female Dating Strategy. Here women discuss ways to date men to obtain financial favour and manipulate them. It’s known for being hateful (although I don’t recall it being linked to violence), although there seems to be no research around this group that I can find.
I only looked briefly at the PUA scene, and to me it seemed a bit tongue-in-cheek and largely harmless. One female blogger thinks it’s a good experience for women, the PUAs have a philosophy of ‘leave her better than you found her’ and the seduction is a fun, positive experience for women (Yogis, 2006).
There seems to be a bit of rivalry between MGTOW and the PUA scene. The latter refers to the former as ‘Virgins Going Their Own Way’, and there is possibly something in that, as I suggested earlier, that the separatism possibly isn’t a choice in many cases but a nihilistic acceptance (giving up). The PUA criticism from MGTOW is that they put women at the centre of their lives and world view, which is disempowering (for them).
I need to tread carefully now as my philosophy isn’t so far from the PUA one! I believe in promiscuity, but rather than NLP and communication techniques I found a metaphysical way to create what I need, after I’d used logic to straighten my thinking and mental diet.
When celibacy is a problem, can promiscuity be a part of the healing?
I know it’s going to be controversial to promote promiscuity. And of course I went too far and perhaps became addicted. But I think of my life in three phases. The first start, for well over forty years, was violence-filled and abuse at the start, and I spent the rest of my life, until recently, healing this, totally alone, unloved, untouched. The only physical contact I knew was being hit or abused. Days alone. Dinners alone. Breakfast alone. Bad days with no one to talk to. And then I met someone who know how to heal the mind and create a reality that you want, and I gave up trying to be what I thought I should be. I’m supposed to say I want true love and a car and holidays in the Caribbean, but what I really wanted deep down in my heart was the same as when I was fifteen and forty five or so, to be fully relaxed having sex with a women, or many women.
Then when I realized how reality is created, I created what I want. And I have the memories, now, sitting here as I type this, of many, many sexual encounters. I’m not the same person. I don’t advocate close relationships but I did get close to one women, a friend I still have. I used to be with her a couple of times a week and she was always tired. (Afterwards) she would lie asleep on my chest and I would stay awake listening to her breathing. I would think back to my childhood, the things that happened to me, and it was the first time that I had thought about them, and they flooded my mind and I was back there in the past, but it’s what I would do each time I was with her, for months. I had never thought about these bad times, until I was in her arms. My mind protected itself by pushing the memories away, but in her arms was the first safe space to allow them to surface, touch and release them (as she slept, oblivious).
a
One day, a distinct moment, we were in some crappy hotel. I remember it was damp, I could smell the mould. It was chilly with the AC on, but dark. I could see the mould on the walls and we were under the duvet. She was asleep on my chest. I was deliberately recalling those memories again. I remember viva la vida by Coldplay was playing quietly on MTV. I realized that the mental pictures of my painful memories are there, just the mental pictures. There is no emotion. I had recalled them so much during these encounters with her that the emotions trapped in them is gone, it’s like another little boy in those pictures and he’s so far away and so innocent and I feel sorry for him.
I realized I’m healed. I realized, listening to the song, feeling her, that it is the best moment of my life. I don’t care about anything or any judgement. I am free. Nothing else could have done this for me. Not years of therapy of LSD or praying. I needed to feel safe, in someones arms, in the arms of a friend I trust, to let down the barriers and let the quiet tears out and let it all go. Now, sitting here, typing this for you, it is still the best memory in my life. I know most people would have looked at me and judged me and seen this as seedy and wrong and I simply do not care. I went from shy, lonely, broken to addicted and frantic to free and at peace and I respect and love each beautiful woman that shared herself with me and took me to the place I am now at.
I want to share this. I look into the forums and see good people, men and women, who are who I used to be and I want to share what was given to me by a stranger, to me a secret, that awoke me sexually, but so much more than this. That put me on the path to a total awakening, because my previous sexual darkness was a limbo I was trapped in before I was in this body, and the sexual and emotional yearning I was always feeling was actually a yearning for a deeper union – which I have found and wish to share.
So what is a better way to refer to yourself. There is always the term Forever Alone. The problem with this is it’s fatalistic. You are telling your mind it’s a permanent identity. You can say adult virgin, but that might not technically be the case. Perhaps ‘love shy’, as this was one of the original ideas instead of incel. But love implies long-term, which may or not be what you end up wanting.
I want the site to be about sex positivity, that, as long as you aren’t hurting anyone, INCLUDING YOURSELF, then all is good. Maybe you are love shy and there is such a thing as love and that will cure it. Maybe you’re only touch-starved and that will cure it. If you can find a way for a no-strings, no commitments model to work, then it’s OK. The point is that, if you desperately want some other situation and you don’t have it and it rules your life and thoughts, then it’s love sickness. I know that’s a still somewhat unsatisfactory label, but sickness implies a state you do not want, that has an opposite: wellness. It’s a better term as it doesn’t blame an other, it implies a healing but doesn’t specify what that is – you can find your own path.
References
Alana, 1997, https://www.lovenotanger.org/about/#history
Ashifa, 2019, https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/apr/25/woman-who-invented-incel-movement-interview-toronto-attack
Audrey Leroux https://orcid.org/0000-0002-4038-1018 and Marie-Aude Boislard https://orcid.org/0000-0003-3628-348X boislard-pepin.marie-aude@uqam.caView all authors and affiliations First published online January 20, 2022 Exploration of Emerging Adult Virgins’ Difficulties Volume 11, Issue 1 https://doi.org/10.1177/21676968211064109Society for the Study of Emerging Adulthood
Fuller M. A., Boislard M.-A., Fernet M. (2019). “You’re a virgin? Really!?”: A qualitative study of emerging adult female virgins’ experiences of disclosure. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 28(2), 190–202. https://doi.org/10.3138/cjhs.2019-0002.
Gorska, A et al, 2023, Feminist Media Studies, Vol 23 Issue 8. Warsaw.
Ging D. (2017). Alphas, betas, and incels: Theorizing the masculinities of the manosphere. Men and Masculinities, 22(4), 638–657. https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X17706401
Hauser, Christine (November 9, 2017). “Reddit Bans ‘Incel’ Group for Inciting Violence Against Women”. The New York Times. ISSN 0362-4331. Archived from the original on November 12, 2017.
Kohn I. (2020). Inside the world of “Femcels.”. https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/femcels-vs-incels-meaning-reddit-discord.
Marcotte, Amanda (25 May 2014). “How ‘Pick-Up Artist’ Philosophy and Its More Misogynist Backlash Shaped Mind of Alleged Killer Elliot Rodger”. American Prospect. Retrieved 7 June 2014.http://prospect.org/article/how-pick-artist-philosophy-and-its-more-misogynist-backlash-shaped-mind-alleged-killer
Maxwell D., Robinson S. R., Williams J. R., Keaton C. (2020). “A short story of a lonely guy”: A qualitative thematic analysis of involuntary celibacy using reddit. Sexuality and Culture, 24(6), 1852–1874. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-020-09724-6
Thalen, Mikael (3 August 2021). “Reddit bans notorious anti-feminist subreddit ‘Men Going Their Own Way'”. The Daily Dot.
https://www.dailydot.com/debug/mgtow-subreddit-banned/ Retrieved April 2024.
Wright, Scott; Trott, Verity; Jones, Callum (2020). “‘The pussy ain’t worth it, bro’: assessing the discourse and structure of MGTOW”. Information, Communication & Society. 23 (6): 908–925. doi:10.1080/1369118X.2020.1751867. ISSN 1369-118X. S2CID 219023052.
Yogis, Jaimal (2006). “What does it take to get a date in this town?”. San Francisco Magazine. Archived from the original on 21 October 2006. Retrieved 22 December 2006. https://web.archive.org/web/20061021021508/http://www.sanfranmag.com/archives/view_story/1306/
Zuckerberg, Donna (2018). Not All Dead White Men: Classics and Misogyny in the Digital Age. Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press. ISBN 978-0-674-98982-5. JSTOR j.ctv24w63tr. OCLC 1020311558.
#lovesickness #identity #sexpositivity #healingjourney #incelculture (but you can add “redefined” after it)
#virginity #adulting #relationships #wellbeing #selfdiscovery